‘Tis the season to be stressed: 4 tips to turn down the anxiety and turn up the joy with your family over the holidays
The holidays. For some, it’s a season to be jolly. For many of us, it’s the most stressful time of the year. A time when emotions and expectations reach a fever pitch, when the potential for emotional conflict hits its peak. Why do the holidays tend to be so stressful? And what can we do to move through this time of year with more calm and compassion – both for ourselves and the people around us?
One reason the holidays can feel so emotionally intense is they bring up a lot of memories. Without realizing it, we often regress into our childhood selves, reliving the stress and trauma of not getting our needs met.
With our loved ones, we often let go of our connection to ourselves, to the well-adjusted adults we’ve worked so hard to become. This internal shift catches us off guard. The result? Instead of communicating from a place of love and respect, we start acting like ten-year-olds.
And we’re not the only ones: as our parents/caregivers and other family members remember what it was like for them as kids, they often regress into their old emotional patterns.
This may sound like a recipe for disaster, but it doesn’t have to be. Here are 4 tips for turning down the stress and turning up the joy during the holidays:
1) Be aware of the challenge.
Keep in mind that everyone tends to act like a less evolved version of themselves at this time of year. Knowing that we’re all regressing to some degree helps us have more compassion for ourselves, and be more patient with the people around us—especially the people we’re close to.
2) Keep it light.
Do your best to steer clear of political discussions and other tricky topics of conversation. You and your family might not see eye to eye on a lot of things, but this is a time to search for common ground rather than confrontation. Be aware of how you’re communicating. Make it a point to speak from a place of love and acceptance. If you catch yourself judging your loved ones, try replacing judgment with curiosity. It also helps to take it easy on the alcohol to keep your head clear and keep conflicts from escalating.
3) Swap expectations for intentions.
Expectations set you up for disappointment. Intentions allow you to approach interactions with clarity and emotional agency. Before you go into a holiday gathering, ask yourself ahead of time: What’s my intention for this experience? It could be to feel connected to your family, or to show up as the best version of yourself, or to be grateful for things as they are. Whatever it might be, choosing an intention gives you more control over your emotional experience.
4) Make space for your needs.
With all the emotional intensity the holidays bring, it’s important to pay attention to what you feel in your body as well as your mind. If you notice you’re feeling anxious, take a few moments to pay attention to your breath and locate the anxiety in your body.
Ask yourself: What do I need to be more comfortable? Then do what you can to meet that need. If you’re not in a position to do that, try taking a bathroom break and spending a few minutes focusing on your breath and being with the feelings in your body.
As stressful as they can be, the holidays can also be a time of love, acceptance, and gratitude. The more patient and empathetic you can be with yourself, the more patient and empathetic you can be with the people around you.
When people sense your compassion and curiosity, they feel safe and tend to relax more. They bring out the best parts of themselves, which in turn creates more space for you to bring out the best parts of yourself.
So here’s my invitation for you if you’re spending lots of time with family and friends this holiday season: practice compassion, first for yourself, then for others—one conversation at a time. Maybe, just maybe, you’ll experience fewer moments of stress and more moments you actually want to remember.
Do you want to learn more about how to build a healthy relationship with your emotions? In my book, Life Launch, I write about how to cope with big emotions like anxiety, anger, and depression—and how to bring more calm and fulfillment into your life. Download a sample chapter here.